Crown of Thorns

[NOTE] There is a timeline of events you can check out here.

Part 1 - Arrival
At the winding down of Candlenights celebrations in Venture Town the team assemble for some nummy sammies at a small grove Fhi has set up for their bees. Revelry is cut short when a rift is torn in space by Oona who alerts Fhi to the fact that their sister is causing trouble in the Fey. Fhi goes through the rift and the rest of the party follows quickly through but end up separated from them again, instead greeted by a Satyr who calls themselves "Dave". The party say they're looking for Fhi and Dave escorts them to the hive where Fhi is usually spending time. As they approach they discover that the hive had been attacked and destroyed and find pre-robit Oona inconsolable at the centre of the grove. A distant boom draws the parties attention to the palace far across the lake in time to see a translucent force-field appear generating a massive wave that rushes towards the cliff the party is atop only for realty to melt away leaving the party in the same place but a different time (1 year later).

While previously the party could see a vast jungle leading all the way up to the banks of the lake, now all that is cleared and destroyed, with pillars of smoke and a morass of twisting red vines snaking through the earth. Before they're able to get their bearings the team is attacked by a group of Nekkers. They're quickly dispatched and the remainder frightened away by one of the horrors of the Fey - a Weeping Wolf. No wolf is a match for team What Contract and they kill it dead moments before another, heaps nicer wolf appears who had been tracking the creature. Nice wolf offers them a passage to Middendorf fortress, the seat of the great bear commander Arcto.

Arriving at Arcto's throne room the party finds it empty, only for time to slip away from them again. This time they're met by flashes of images, the various powers of the Fey seemingly corrupted by some influence fighting against the creatures of the wilds. Reality settles and the party are in the, now occupied, war room of Arcto. Exposition happens and the decision is made to send the party out to these various powers and warn/recruit them to the defense of the realm.

Part 2 - Grandma's Gambit
The party make there way to the southern swamps to speak with a powerful mage referred to by those they've met as various endearment terms for an elderly female relative. Upon arrival they discover the swamp itself has been tainted by something, giving the water a reddish tinge and making it dangerously caustic. Hopping in boats found at the wharf they party follow lanterns to Granny's hovel where they pass a grey German tabaxi fellow on his way out. He introduces himself as Dr Gaelynn Pibble and leaves on his own boat.

Granny explains to the party that something is fucking with her swamp and will help the adventurers if they're able to sort it out for her. Whatever it is is stopping her from scrying on it so it's probably super powerful. The team track down the offender by heading towards the area where the swamp water is the most caustic to find a grave hag. Wham, smash, whallop and it's dealt with and Frass comes away with a jug of command water elementals. Upon reporting to Granny she bursts out laughing revealing that the description of the creature sounds like one of her lame sisters. She rewards the party with some ink - swole demon arm for Frass, Ghost veins for TK, and Shield titty for Bran. Granny asks the party to ensure Gaelynn's success on a task she has asked of him. He's heading towards the Drow city in the North West.

The party make camp near the wharf and time goes wibbly, the folks on watch see the swamp cleared and a silhouette of Granny heading off to war.

Part 3 - Rivers of Ash
Before making their way to the Drow city the team attempt to locate Gaelynn. A scry from Dave suggests he is stationary about 75% of the way there. Utilizing Dave's sweet tree striding powers they bamf over to Gaelynn's location to find him entangled in the vines of a Hangman's tree. Snicker snack and they cut him down where he explains he's to head to the center of the Blightwoods and obtain a vial of blood from the creature that dwells there.

The party with Gaelynn in tow make their way to the Drow tree city, on the edge of the Blightwoods. Dave says he's got some stuff to take care of and leaves Zhav'Rek with a seed. The woods themselves are made of crumbling dedicated trees which leaves the forest floor covered with a thick layer of ash. Upon reaching the city they speak with Ellistrae - a descendant of Lolth and queen of the Drow, where they explain about the coming war. Ellistrae takes this information with a grain of salt and asks the party to escort Gaelynn on his mission to demonstrate their honesty. They convince the queen to spare two of her Shadowblades, Arwin and Sasha to join them on their journey.

Before leaving they team stop off in the Opal pavilion to take in some food and music where they encounter the Drow bard Deyrrik dropping some fire beats. Holy shit though, a rift appears and out drops Wanda and some Vampire douchebag. Vamp got rekt and the team catch up with young Wanda before turning in for the evening.

Morning comes and and the crew suit up in some definitely original 3d maneuver gear and zip off through the tree tops towards the center of the Blightwoods. Oh and some shit went down with Bran and the Blade of dipshit. The center of the Blightwoods contains a grove with a creepy tree lady in the middle of it. Sneaky old Gaelynn manages to get some juices while the rest of the lads waste some Blight fools and gap it out of there, spooky tree lady close behind. Deyrrik greets them when they're about to get smooshed and scares her off with his mixtape. He tells them the city was attacked by the White Frost and some other fey dummies while they were away but their heads up meant they were ready for it and are a-ok. Bran grabs a chilly hammer and the team find that the Drow have captured one of the attacking creatures alive. Gaelynn says he'll see if he can figure out what's fucky with them and the party helps torture research the creature for a wee bit, discovering some kind of entry point at the base of the creatures skull where the source of this red plague seems to be.

Heading out of the city Zhav'Rek plants the seed he got from Dave. A tree grows with a wee bell hanging off of one of the boughs which Zhav'Rek rings. Everything goes unnaturally quiet and still, including the party (except for sneaky Zhav'Rek) as the Queen of Air and Darkness herself shows up. She antagonizes the party a bit and recognizes the presence of TKs patron. They make out a little then Dave bursts through the tree and goes all big mode, breaking the queens concentration and allowing the team to escape into Dave's domain. Other satyrs and centaurs are living here happily and Dave explains that the bell was made to notify nearby members of the court. He's chastised for not thinking that the Queen was likely to be hanging about and feels real dumb for a moment but gets over it pretty quickly.

Part 4 - Morty Guyman's Home of Schmoes
The team decide to make their way to visit some "definitely powerful" goblin "mages" in a city in the sky. Turns out the sky is really far away so Zhav'Rek and...uhh...I think TK fly up and prepare to leave without asking for help for their friends on the ground cause they're super rude. Luckily, Dave is a dick and the guys ask if he has any way to get them up. "Yeah of course" he dickishly says and makes a big ole tree for them to climb. The team grab the tree as it springs forth which is a pretty dope idea and make their way to the Goblin landing.

Everyone's favorite Goblin helper Glorp gives them a "guided tour" from the airship landing to the city proper and up to the base of the Mages Tower, the front of which is emblazoned with a "very well made" sign reading "The sir kil ov ate". After some bants with the guards the team head up and talk to the Goblin idiots mages. Doesn't really go anywhere until the tower is rocked by what feels like an earthquake - a pretty big feat when you hundred of...feet above the earth. The conclusion is quickly come to that someone is fucking with the magic floaty crystals that keep the islands aloft. Time to waste some fools.

The party kill some jabronis in the market and leave the rest to Roary and OddToe while heading to the main crystal spot with BigBoi and TenSure. Is the fuckin smoke monster from Lost. They waste it and save the day. They head back to the top of the tower, passing Roary and OddToe celebrating on a mound of dead fey critters, and have a far better job at convincing the "sir kil" that shit's gone bad.

Time shift time! They're still on the tower...kinda...but the tower is now on the ground...and attached to the spider bot from the hit 1999 action film "Wild Wild West". They guys help the spider bot wreck house, Zhav'Rek releasing the full power of a super saiyan and blacking out then wibble wobble back to timeline A. They spend some time shopping, picking up some gear that's probably way too powerful for them and also some junk then make off towards their next destination.

Part 5 - Slave to the Elements
Time to see the diplomats. Dave bamfs our adventurers to the front of the temple of the Elementals high in the Fey version of the Caltrop Mountains. Frass's water elemental emerges showing concern that the defenses of the temple are live and the place is on lock down. The team breach the door and solve my masterfully crafted puzzles only to find the inner sanctum in ruins, the elementals nowhere to be found. A scrying pool show's Frass a vision from Aqua's pov, jailed further north as Ignis is taken away by some unknown jailer. The location is further divined by Zhav'Rek and the team rest up before heading through the mountains in the morning.

The trek through the mountains is a bit nippy but most make it though unaffected until arriving at the mouth of a cave guarded by a pair of Dusk Eldarin. The team try and approach all sneaky beaky like but get spotted half way there. What's two shadow fools to Team What Contract though? Short work is made then TK fucking eats one of them which is pretty weird. Looks like it's that fucky Gnoll armor he's got. Nice. The guys make their way through the tunnel and reach a big ornate door which mind blitzes anyone who tries to open it except for TK. Inside they find four cells, two of which are empty and two of which contain Aqua and Aura. A Crystal inlaid into the cieling seems to be stopping their magic and preventing the doors from opening so Frass, who is good at throwing things, throws her kunai at it till it breaks while Bran, who is bad at throwing things, throws his shield till everyone yells at him (which definitely doesn't alert anyone). Aqua explains that the Tormentor of the Wild Hunt has Taken Ignis the night before, and Terra the morning of through the door at the north of the room. TK opens the door and is greeted by Ignis and Terra, but they're EEEEEEEEEEEVIL!

A fight ensues, the Tormenter foolishly making themselves known long enough for them to get the shit kicked out of them. Turns out the baddie versions of Ignis and Terra were simulacrums, the real ones nowhere to be found. Zhav'Rek discovers a secret passage, bored unnaturally smooth into one of the walls. He's about to investigate when time goes all fucky again but this time he finds himself alone in a white expanse.

An in-parse-able entity appears before Zhav'Rek before turning into fantasy Mysterio. They apologize for the jarring experience of pushing them around time and I honestly can't remember exactly what I said here so I'm not gunna write it out in case I spoil something. They eventually wake Zhav'Rek up before his brains fall out his nose.

Timeline B torture chamber is empty and the sounds of a kerfuffle echo from back down the hall. The party race to find Granny working on closing a portal to the white frost. They help her out and Zhav'Rek mentions his encounter, Granny seeming the first person to be able to comprehend what he's saying shows interest and suggests he met the Architect of Time. She opens up a portal for the team to head to the seat of the Forest Dragon Realgar.

Part 6 - Dreadnoughts and Dragons
Another rest, another time warp, another white room. Zhav'Rek learns there is more than one of these Architects and they mention something about "Cycles". Gaelynn calls up and tells the team that the Red Plague seems to be an organism or collection of organisms casting a powerful suggestion spell directly to the targets brain. There's also some sort of defense mechanism that causes explosive coagulation leading to a pretty messy death. Morning shows the entrance to Realgar's lair all frosty with some dead mushroom folks about. Looks like the Wild Hunt are here already. The team head through the tunnels and reach a wall of ice, the sounds of fighting coming from the other side.

After breaching the ice team What Contract are greeted by the Navigator of the Wild Hunt standing on the prow of the dread ship Naglfar while Realgar battles with a massive frozen serpent. The first real clutch battle of team What Contract's carrier ensues and Realgar is downed and dragged through a portal. Zhav'Rek pulls out the sickest play of the day and brings Realgar back through just as the portal closes. The team dispatch the last dude, almost wipe while trying to grab a magic snowball, and help recover Realgar. Not much explanation is needed this time, he's pretty easily convinced that the Hunt are causing a ruckus with the queen and sets the team up for another rest.

Another rest, another time warp, this time Realgar is waiting for them in his den and offers to fly them to Middendorf Fortress to discuss the plans for the final stages of the war.

Part 7 - No fighting in the War Room!
All the various parties team What Contract have helped are assembled in Arcto's war room. Tyton explains that there is about 12 hours before the point of no return; the spread of the Red Plague and White Frost will be too great to be countered. Arcto explains what each of the forces are doing: Grandma, as the team are already aware, is closing portals, Gaelynn and the Drow have found the Fliezund; a plant creature thought to be spreading the plague, Arcto and the Goblins are fighting on the front, Realgar is helming the defense of Middendorf in preparation for the Navigator and Naglfar's arrival, and Aqua and Aura are assaulting Terra's mobile stone fortress which appears to be the center of the enemies command structure. Arcto makes it clear that the team are useful anywhere, despite Bran's insistence on dodging plot hooks, and the decision is made to assault the Fliezund with Gaelynn, Sasha, and Arwin.

Part 8 - The Assembly Vine
Doormarge bamfs the team to the shore of the Sapphire Lake and, equipped with the shroom masks from OldLuke, our heroes dive into the depths. Most of the way down a squid boi rocks up and tries to take TK back to its squid boi lair but gets sent to the shadow realm.

The team make their way through the lake caves into the open air of the Fliezund's lair. The natural cave structure quickly shifts into an unnaturally bored tunnel about 20ft in diameter, covered in plant life (some pulsing with the Red Plague). Someway down the tunnel the path splits, curiosity gets the better of them and they investigate to find some tree dudes and several vats of the Red Plague. Zhav'Rek pulls out their trademark "blow them to kingdom fuck" technique and the crew try to boost away while TK definitely doesn't do anything sneaky.

The boost away strat was quickly cut short as the team hit up against walls of plant matter. Hacking through was not super effective cause this shit grows back faster than Zhav'Rek's distrust for TK. Plant bois catch up, get pruned, and the lads find another fork. This one leads us to the factory floor, the first part a white and gold mineral that appears to be creating the raw materials for the plague, or in other words - free loot. Further along the path a third chamber holds the means for programming the plague, or in other words - free loot.

Back to the main path and a few short minutes later the guys are greeted by the Fliezund itself. That weed is wacked and a doorway is opened back to Middendorf.

Part 9 - The Battle for Middendorf Fortress
The war room is empty save for the Gerblin scribe NyQuil who is fast asleep on the map table and a bunch of vines growing around the room from Realgar's influence. Zhav'Rek channels his will through one of the vines and pages Relagar who lands next to the war room and debriefs our heroes. He explains that he's slowed down the Naglfar and is currently in a stalemate; the ship protected by a negative energy field while any troops who breach the walls are easily dispatched by Realgar himself. He describes the positioning of the defenses at the front of the fortress and the team come up with a plan.

Everyone moves into position and begins raining down fire, quite literally, on the forces of the wild hunt. Zhav'Rek sends the Naglfar on a one way trip back home while the rest of the team mop up the stragglers. Frass punches the Navigators face off of his face and Realgar monches him up. Fuckin done. Time to see how Granny is doing.

Part 10 - Shade of Alder
Realgar offers to fly the team to the ruins of the ancient city of Alder where Granny is busy closing the main gate to the Frostfell. Gaelynn and Realgar insist they're required on the front but Bran's infuriatingly high charisma convinces Sasha and Arwin to stay and help. The ruins themselves are vast and deathly quiet, devoid of anything but stone and dust. TK notices that they're being followed by Hunstmen and everyone holds up in the shell of an old Eldarin temple adorned with stained glass murals depicting [REDACTED] (roll higher history checks suckas!) No attack comes and they press on towards where they believe Granny, or at least the portal, lies.

The progression through the ruins continues until they discover a silhouette radiating magical energy. Creeping up on the figure shows it to be Granny herself, eyes glowing a baleful blue color. Bran approaches her and she moans for him to escape. At that moment the hunters who have surrounded the group are spotted by TK just before they can spring a surprise attack. Bran exorcises the spirits within Granny with the direct help of his Deity who's power violently ejects the ghost fellas and heals the party in a 1-2 punch of holy juju. Team What Contract ain't afraid of no ghosts (or archers) and stab them all right in the ectoplasm.

Granny is unable to be roused but the party find clutched in her hand one of her cloth teabags. Bran steeps the mean brew and brings Granny out of her fugue. She explains she shut down the portal with some difficulty and, while she was resting with her guard down, she was possessed by the host of spirits. It took her focus to essentially trap them in her body, stopping them from controlling her dope magics, until the party arrived and freed her. Looking over our weary travelers she suggests they all take a rest as she can create an area of slowed time, giving them a full rest in a mere 4 hours.

While sleeping Granny pops in to Zhav'Rek's dreams and recreates the white space. Interested in his encounter with the Architect she questions him about his experience, recreating elements in the dream space. She has few further insights short of a conclusion that the Feywilds seem to be an area where their influence is felt more strongly than other planes she's visited.

Upon awakening Granny presents the party with a heroes feast she has prepared and shows them some troubling visions through her iMax experience scrying powers. Terra's mobile stone fortress has halted its movement and has turned the area surrounding it into a mire of magical quicksand. The various powers of the fey are shown fighting the forces of the Queen of Air and Darkness and the Wild hunt within this mire while gouts of magma shoot forth from the fortress towards our allies, only held at bay by the defensive powers of Tyton. The view shifts far to the west to show the Queen herself floating calmly above the battlefield, shrouded in tendrils of darkness, casually vaporizing random fools on the ground. Its at this point that Frass, eventually, with help, notices a bee crawling on her hand.

Thousands more bees enter swarm into the clearing and take the shape of Fhi, who, speaking through the swarm, is like "sup". Everyone explains what's going on and Fhi says that they'll make their way to the Queen with Oona as fast as they can While Granny attempts to slow the Queen down. The swarm disperses apart from a single bee who remains on Frass while Granny opens up a portal to the base of the stone fortress to allow the party to assault the elementals.

Part 11 - Master of the Elements
The party make their way into the stone fortress, clambering out of the mire, sneaking past the elemental artillery, overcoming the twisting corridors and deadly traps and locating Doormarge, Aqua, and Aura with frustrating efficiency. The elementals explain their lack of luck making their way to the core of the fortress; Aqua is a diplomat, Aura is a fighter, and Doormarge is an idiot. Luckily, none of our heroes are idiots so they lead the way to a wall of obsidian which is definitely probably the core. Doormarge tries to use his magical chalk on it which explodes. He tries to use another piece which also explodes. Luckily he has one more but Bran stops him for some reason, the third piece definitely would have worked. Brute force seems to do the trick though.

Frass turtle kicks her way through the wall and slides into the center of of a massive obsidian sphere, confronted by two armored elementals with Ignis and Terra above on pillars of black glass. The Envoys focus on their former comrades downing Aura momentarily and Aqua permanently. Frass punches Ignis into the sun through the handy opening Terra makes in the sphere. Floating Zhav'Rek is able to see the rest of our fey friends battling over the mire as the Queen approaches, her shadow slaps getting rebuffed by the defensive powers of Tyton, in her hands the lifeless body of Grandma. Aura, knowing he's beat, yeets a rock over to Frass and turns into a whirwind, knocking Terra off her platform where the rest of the team pile on and turn her to dust.

Everyone makes their way onto the deck of the spider tank and prepare for the final showdown.

Part 12 - The Curious Incident of the Artificer in the Night-Time
While taking in some restorative crystal healing and receiving buffs and transport from friends the sky around the battlefield begins getting darker than...already really dark. Specks of light start to blink through the darkness as thousands of fireflies appear and masenko the Queen in the tits. The fireflies coalesce into the long absent Fhi who confronts their war mongering sister, insisting they can heal her of the plague. The Queen screams that all she wanted was solitude and, as she prepares an attack against her brother, claims that now she has the power to achieve it in totality. The attack is deflected by everyone's favorite robit fairy Oona who redirects the force into the Queen sending her reeling. Time to mount up mother fuckers! Frass hops on her new cloud buddy, BigBoi makes some big green hands for Bran, Wanda, and TK, and Zhav'Rek climbs up onto Realgar and they all fly off to meet their foe in the air.

Frass turbo boosts to the Queen and giga-chad grabs her in the throat with her fool chokin' arm. The shadowy tendrils surrounding the queen flail limply at our Tortle terminator like goth pool noodles, the protection from Tyton completely negating the damage. Queeny doesn't like that and makes a b-line to go Owl killing. Bran and Wanda save Granny who zooms up to help Tyton out while Zhav'Rek, Fhi, and Oona dish out some more dps. TK wiffs some shots and Tyton takes a couple of big hits but is still standing. Bran begins to crank the music box he found at Old Mac Macguffins store which breaks the Queen's flow. Wanda joins in on strings and Fhi makes another plea to his sister as she struggles with whatever memories this tune is evoking. She doesn't struggle enough to stop her from drop kicking Oona into the the center of the earth and Fhi flies after them while TK closes in on his one time make out partner to see why she hasn't been returning his texts.

The team attempt to immobilize the queen so that Fhi can cure her. Fhi's got other ideas though and rockets back up to the conflict and beats the snot out of her. A now visibly damaged Queen then projects her voice into the mind of TK commanding him to drink. Ya see way back in part 8 when I said TK wasn't doing anything sneaky, I LIED! They'd cheekily scooped up a vial of evil Ribena and now is the time for Checkov's gun to fire. Setup and payoff my dudes. A psychic battle of wits begins, TK remembering the mistakes made by their former master in the pursuit of power and Zhav'Rek attempting to convince her otherwise. The fey are pretty fuckin good at this shit tho so down the hatch it goes. TK reds up and takes a couple of swings at Fhi but Frass steps between them cause she's hard as fuck. Zhav'Rek grabs TK and tries to shut that shit down by faceplanting into solid stone at 87kph (I did the math). It's at this point a voice, familiar to some, echoes across the battlefield proclaiming "enough!"

The Queen of Air and Darkness gets all her blood transferred from the inside to the outside, through the not so semi-permeable membrane of her everywhere. RIP. The same thing begins to happen to TK but the flow of time begins to rewind, far enough back that he isn't dead but not much further and him and Zhav'Rek stop before turning into fantasy pancakes. Looking around our heroes see that old elven dick hole Gaiden floating in a bubble with some notable upgrades. His duplo arm attachments have been replaced by a series of contraptions leading to pocket dimensions that presumably hold all the limbs and whatnot he requires. His left arm, entirely mechanical, appears to be maintaining the forcefield which, as even Fhi is rebuffed by it, he claims only allows his own work to pass through. His right arm is a collection of Cthulhu-ean tentacles in which Zhav'Rek can see what he understands to be the Architect of Time. Noticing Zhav'Rek's unlikely comprehension of the scene Gaiden explains his understanding of the Architects; that they are artists lacking vision enough to create a world he believes is truly worth creating. He boasts that these tools are far better suited for someone with his creative acumen as a flash of steel pierces the barrier. Oona in their metal body was indeed one of Gaiden's creations and they plunge their greatsword through his chest. The barrier shatters and the avatar of the Architect vanishes. Gaiden places their left hand onto Oona's shoulder as it switches out to the arm they removed from Fhi, looks over to its previous owner and says "Like I said, I already have what I want" as the form of Oona is disintegrated and Gaiden vanishes, leaving only the greatsword to be caught by Fhi; too late to stop their oldest friend being obliterated before their eyes.

Fhi is understandably a touch upset by this and a millions of bees begin to swarm in a maestrom around them. Frass, having seen this before when first encountering Fhi on the cliffs overlooking a lake we really should name back on the prime, makes her way into the storm of insects who are at this point moving so violently that they are obliterating any matter that comes close. The swarm part for her however as she notices the one bee from back in part 10 still chilling on her shoulder. She manages to calm Fhi down enough for the swarm to abate and they thank her and make their way to the deck of the spider tank.

Fhi approaches granny and demands to be sent back to the prime, still a little peeved about the whole situation. Folks manage to calm him down a bit more and he collects himself, remembering that his friend has also been infected by the plague. Using his boss new upgraded tree arm he removes the plague from TK who is left collapsed and exhausted. Zhav'Rek and TK get the Police 10-7 crew called to our house, Bran casts Zone of Truth (so happy about that btw) and Fhi explains they're gunna murder Gaiden harder than anyone's ever been murdered before. Granny makes some tea while Fhi begins the process of restoring life to the Feywilds. Goodbyes are said (a little hurriedly as we're like an hour over time at this point) and the team prepare to depart with Gaelynn who's been feeling a little homesick. Granny magics up a portal and folks step through.

They find themselves on the other side in a possibly maybe furnished home due to my "yes and" being "no but"ed but we'll come to that at some point I'm sure, a letter from Butler saying he'd been asked to make arrangements. Everone turns in as TK hears a familiar voice in his head. A sliver of the queen, now free from the influence of Gaiden's plague, has survived in TK's soul and pleads with him to let him stay. She promises not to cause any trouble, that who they met was not who she truly is and a tentative truce is agreed upon. A final scene plays as we see Nathair standing on the crystal bridge leading towards the Seelie palace - still protected by the forcefield the court erected when shit hit the fan. They tap it with an inquisitive finger and the field remains. "Hmm..."